Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(509): View more from Washington

woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby

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(214): View more from Texas

Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life

(501): View more from Arkansas

3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town

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(913): View more from Kansas

So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?

(314): View more from Missouri

you had an obligation.

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

this is an emotional support booty call

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