the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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