I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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