Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Can you bring me the toilet please
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
