I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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