If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
