Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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