I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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