I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You pole danced in your parka.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
