Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
