my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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