What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize