all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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