Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
