Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
