Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
