I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize