I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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