I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
