yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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