She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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