I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
