Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
