Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
