he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
