I wanna bring you to show and tell
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize