My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I need water and some morals
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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