She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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