we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
COCAINE IS GR8
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
