I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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