wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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