I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i think i scared a bird with my dick
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
