Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
