I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
