NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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