I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
