I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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