we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
