All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
