so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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