made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
false alarm, still single
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize