I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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