He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
