Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think people are normalizing furries
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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