yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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