i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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