I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
