if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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