i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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