I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
