And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
