my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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