when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
