she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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