Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
