Your mouth is God's brothel.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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