I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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