Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
