I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
